Changes ahead

Well last night my best fried started talking to me again and everything seems honky dory right now... Tomorrow im gonna go sign up at the gym and hopefully make some big changes n progress in my life... No more sitting on my butt doing nothing...

Failing at the balancing act

Being a grown up is a total buzz kill. All i want to do is be me. Be carefree. Be goofy and silly and love everything about life. In high school i was this fun person. I felt like i was a magnet that people were drawn to. They saw me as this carefree chick who just laughed her way through life. And i did. I was that person. But along the way being responsible has taken that away. Worrying about how to pay the bills or how to have a life without money ( which is virtually impossible) has taken away the ability to be free. I want to e me and just have fun being that person who everyone loves n have fun expressing who i am without much care. I feel like i cant have both. I cant balance the two. I cant be me and be responsible at the same time and yet i cant not be responsible. Its frustrating tho because i feel like there r some people who have figured it out, who can be themselves n be responsible and be happy. Idk . Maybe im just rambling tonight. I miss the old me and i want more than anything to just let it all go and have fun be the girl i once was... Will i ever figure it out? How to balance the two?

Back to basics

So i know i havent written in awhile... I kinda got lost. Ive been hiding away wasting my life away behind a tv... Pretty lame. Life is exhausting. Being happy is exhausting. Trying to figure out what will make me happy; even more exhausting. I have a better idea of what that might be but i have no clue how to accomplish it. It scares me that in order to pursue my dreams i have to step completely out of my comfort zone and even then my dreams might not be what makes me happy. Id like to think being my own boss and being an art therapist in my own way will make me happy but with that comes its own stress. And getting to that end result is a couple of years of hard work. Really hard work. So i got scared and instead of facing everything with a brave face and determination i was a coward n hid watching other people live the life and figure out their dreams n life in fantasy land. Where things end up working out just because the viewer wants them to. So anyways i think im done hiding. I dont think i will be going out tomorrow and conquer the world but after work im going to clean the entire house. Its spring cleaning before spring gets here. I really need to clean. its gross. So off i go to bed and get some sleep before a long day. I think ill feel better about myself even for accomplishing such a small feat. I just wish i had the willpower to make things start moving forward for my true dreams.

So I haven't posted in a few days. I've been seriously addicted to Pintrest.com . Plus i've taken some time off from soul searching. I've been thinking. Maybe everyone doesn't have it all figured out. Really, maybe no one has it figured out. You just keep stumbling through life finding your way, going down different paths. Some people stumble more graceful and find their way more easily. But maybe people just seem to have it together. I really feel that society these days has gone down the drain. And while some people seem to have it ok; majority of the people are sinking. I know what i need to do and I know what i want to do; at least in the next 5 years. But I just dont know how i will get there. I dont know if i'll ever get there. I guess all i can do is work hard at it and try my hardest to make my dreams of what i want my life to be come true. Cause really i'm the only one who can do it.  So here i go, still stumbling; praying that someday hopefully soon I'll make it out of NY and follow my dreams.

I am only 25. Courtney, you r only 25. You have years left to ur life. I have to keep telling myself this. I feel like at 25 with a degree i should know what i want. I should have it figured out. Maybe that society's problem.

However, i see my dad moving on in a completely new direction. He is twice my age and he recently started all over from scratch. He sold his family owned company. He got a divorce. He fell back in love with his first true love. He moved out of the coutry not just the state. He went back to school at age 50 and got a masters. Now hes workin on getting his own business started up.
If he can do it at 50 y cant i do it now? I have nothing to loose. Only sooo much to gain. There is something holding me back but seriously WHAT???

My dad is my hero. My guiding star..he gives me the strength n motivation to go out there and make my dreams happen. Now i just need a hug and big kick in that direction.

Too soon to tell

Well today i tried my very best to not let things get to me n be happy. Overall it was a pretty good day. I did happen to have a headache all day that no amount of advil could help. Ive had migraines n headaches all my life. I also have chronic back pain which doesnt help the cause. But i go to the chiropractor when i can afford it ( last year i spent over 1500 grand on copays for the chiro alone. ) WOW! Anyways lots of sleep helps when the advil doesnt.

So my more defined goals for the next month. Water water water! Get off my ass n move! Showers at night to relax n possibly help with the acne. Eat more vegies n fruits. Go to bed earlier. See a sleep specialist. Save money. Hmm. Maybe im over reaching but i got a lot to do in the next three years.

Some day ill be skinny. ( i would say happy in my own body but i am happy in my body. As any girl can be. But i do want to be half my size. ) someday i will wear fabulous clothes and high heels. Someday i will own my own business n love my job. Someday i will travel when i want to where i want. Someday i will be 100 % happy with my life. Now is the journey to that someday.

????

Well now I have some answers. But ... How to get my dreams accomplished. ????? It is all overwhelming. Schooling is expensive and it takes time. It's like i've wasted the last 7 years of my life and i'm starting from scratch all over again. It's very frustrating. I dont know where to start. I have a very specific image of what I want to do but i fear it will not happen that way. There are so many things I want to accomplish all within the next few years but I fear that I can't get all the things i want done all at the same time and that means in order to get my career in order I have to put the rest of my life on hold even though I feel like I already did that for 5 years. UGH! nor do i really have the economical means to accomplish it. I'm at a standstill.

Art Therapy: The answers I've been looking for...

So I FINALLY stumbled upon some interesting websites giving me the much needed information that universities are not giving me. The 411 on ART THERAPY as a degree and career path. I've known since high school that I wanted to do Art Therapy. I didn't know what it was called then. But as i finished up my bachelors in photography I realized that it was Art Therapy that I wanted to do. And i still do. But try finding the right graduate program to get a job with. HA! It is like a secret degree and job. It's hard to find any information on art therapy let alone getting a degree. And there are so many directions to go in. Well it looks like Kentucky, Louisville to be exact is the place to be. Kentucky is actually one of the few (I think 5 states) to have an actual degree program in Art therapy. It differs state to state in the few states that actually have degree programs that have anything at all to do with art therapy. But does this mean you will get a job in the field you really want? NOPE.... Think again. GEEZ. Can a girl get a break? I just want to do what I love and get paid to do it. Is that so much to ask for? I think not. So here goes more researching and finding out more about my dream job and what I need to do in order to make it happen. I'm beginning to realize that I will just have to fumble through it and just find my own way to make it happen the way I want to.

So watch the post below and read the articles that i'm about to list to really understand everything i'm talking about above.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-healing-arts/201103/so-you-want-be-art-therapist-part-five-the-tale-two-art-therapists

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-healing-arts/201105/creativity-in-counseling

Emily R. Johnson Artist and Art Therapist in Louisville, KY

Goals

So, so far so good. I've done pretty good at keeping up with my goals. Of course it's only like day 3 but still. I'm eating some kind of breakfast every day, which i plan to improve on this goal a lot this year. I dont know but for some reason when I was in high school eating before going to school always made me feel sick. I think it was just because it was so early. And some of high school i had lunch earlier in the day so it didn't make sense to eat till lunch time. So eating breakfast again is kinda hard for me but i think it's something i need to get back in the habit again for a lot of reasons. One of which it's said that people who eat breakfast tend to loose more weight which is another goal of mine under the category of getting healthy.  Tonight i picked up extra hours so I can earn money and hopefully put away some money starting the following pay check after this friday's ( too many bills to pay after the holidays, i need one to catch up). I'm just proud of myself for sticking with it so far. It definitely is not easy. Anyways, off to bed i go. I have a lot to get done tomorrow.

New music playlist gadget

So i just figured out how to add music to my blog. And i just got a bunch of new songs from new artists that i'm just in love with. So i put a few new and old songs on there. Some are more known then others. But i hope you all enjoy the music. I like finding new and different kinds of music. Stuff that isn't as popular quite yet. I've always kinda of liked music before it's become mainstream. Like i found Colbie Calliet (not sure i spelled that right) before it became mainstream. Anyways, enjoy... The list is at the bottom of the page.

Day 1

Well day one was tough. The first day back from a vacation is always rather tough. Im really thinking that i mich prefer autistic children to mentally handicapped adults. I know enevitably what i want to do as a profession but how i will get to that point i have no clue. Its a long road to get my dreams loner than i realized and it scares me that while im tryig to make one dream come true i might miss out on making other dreams come true.
Well i followed through on goal one to get healthy. I drank water , multiple glasses, instead of soda. I did some of goal two as well hy cleaning the bathroom n doing the dishes. Now onto going to be earlier, sleeping in clothes, and taking a shower at night. Hmmm...leta hope i can stick with it. Tomorrow comes a double. So here comes plan b working hard to pay off debt n save money.

I'm an Aries and this is my horoscope for the year

Your quest for radical self-love and self-knowledge continues in 2012. Never has the impetus to know yourself, own your core values (even if it means going against the grain) and possess your truth been more essential. No longer can you deny all that is rare and sensational about you. This is truly your breakout year in which your myriad talents will shine!

And get ready to work your horns off this year, Ram. Although your ruling planet, Mars, will spend the first quarter retrograde in Virgo, it will also push you to focus and finish like never before. The devil is definitely in the details this year. Mars retrogrades less frequently than the other planets, but when it does, you surely feel like someone has slammed on the brakes! But don't panic. Rather, consider this a chance to finally catch up on every loose end and unfinished project that's piled up over the past few years.

With Uranus upping the ante in your stars for another round, the status quo of pre-2010 has been left in the dust forever. And by June, the planet of change, Uranus, makes its way towards an exact square with the planet of death and rebirth, Pluto. The changes you experienced in 2011 were simply the tip of the iceberg! With the onslaught of intense cardinal energies barreling toward a standoff this summer, the potential for one-way change this year is deep and unmistakable. Of course, change can be exhilarating if you release your grip on the past and the specific demands of ego. Getting your own way is practically your divine birthright, but this year you'll have to trust that life sometimes brings you what you need at the expense of what you want.

The eclipse patterns of 2012 continue to speed up change in the realms of teaching, education, publishing and travel. If you have any issues with siblings or other close relatives, this could also come into play during the next 12 months as a result of this year's eclipses. On the upside, however, Jupiter will continue to boost your finances until it moves into Gemini in June. November's total solar eclipse in Scorpio in your eighth house of life force, sex and resourcefulness promises to bring sexy back. This eclipse pattern will also reveal any latent interests in psychology or metaphysics, and could also bring money issues to the forefront.

realization

Im turning 26 this year and i feel like the last couple of years ive been sitting around waiting for my life to start. Well i realized tonight its already started. This is my life. What am i waiting for? 
I have no life relatively speaking. I have no friends. Ok i have friends but i never see them. And while its neither one of us's faults, i could make more of an effort. I guess im just scared. Ive had several best friends throughout the years and they have either left me standing alone or have betrayed me in some way. Or they dont see me as their equal best friend... They r my best friend but i am not their best friend. Im just a good friend that comes around every once in awhile. 
Well today is a new day. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I hope. I plan to change all that. I plan to be aggressive with my life. Be proactive. Live my life. Lets hope i dont fail myself...

Who am I?

That's a good question. Who am I? Well Honestly I'm still trying to figure it out. My name is Courtney. I'm 25 soon to be 26. I was a B average student who graduated college in 2005 with a BFA in photography and a minor in psychology. I followed my heart and my gut and majored in art with the full support of my parents and family. And while i am proud of what i've accomplished so far. There is so much more I want to accomplish. I thought I would have accomplished so much more by now. I thought by 26 i'd have it figured out. But I don't. 

      I went away to college. Far far away. I started in florida and thats pretty far away from NY. It was one of the worst years of my life. I finally found my way to North Carolina. That was the place for me. Although I don't feel i ever fully flourished there, I was comfortable there. I was me. After I graduated I ended up coming back home. While it was the only choice I had at the time. The only logical, sensible, economical choice. I feel like maybe it wasn't the best because now i feel stuck. In high school I knew I had to go to college to escape this place. And now I'm stuck, back here, 8 years later. 

     I thought once i graduated college everything would fall magically into place. It seemed to work for everyone else. I don't know the answers. I'm not sure if I ever will. I used to think that the people i looked up to, the people i admired had the answers. But i'm beginning to realize that maybe they don't have the answers either. You only go through life, experience life, and get wiser. But that doesn't mean you have the answers.  Besides what works for one person might not work for another, right? 

 Well with the start of a new year. 2012. I thought i would start this new blog, to document my journey in figuring it all out. In trying to find the old me, or maybe the new me. In trying to accomplish things instead of sitting around letting life just happen without me. It might take me awhile to find my motivation but i'm hoping that after sitting around for 3 years I can kick my butt in gear to make my life the way I want it. 

      I'm just glad to say that in the last three years I have found the love of my life again. I thought I had lost him. Sometimes i get aggravated with him for not being romantic enough or help me when i need it. Honestly, I'm just happy to have him in my life again. He is there when i really need it. He has stuck by my side through the really hard stuff. So the last three years hasn't been a complete waste of time. 

So here's to a Happy New Year. May 2012 be the year. This blog isn't really about who reads it. Its more for me to write everything out. To find answers. To document my journey. For me to look back a day from now, a month from now, a year from now, etc. and see how far i've come. To motivate me to keep going even when the tough gets tougher. So here's to 2012. Let it be far better than 2011 ever was.