Failing at the balancing act

Being a grown up is a total buzz kill. All i want to do is be me. Be carefree. Be goofy and silly and love everything about life. In high school i was this fun person. I felt like i was a magnet that people were drawn to. They saw me as this carefree chick who just laughed her way through life. And i did. I was that person. But along the way being responsible has taken that away. Worrying about how to pay the bills or how to have a life without money ( which is virtually impossible) has taken away the ability to be free. I want to e me and just have fun being that person who everyone loves n have fun expressing who i am without much care. I feel like i cant have both. I cant balance the two. I cant be me and be responsible at the same time and yet i cant not be responsible. Its frustrating tho because i feel like there r some people who have figured it out, who can be themselves n be responsible and be happy. Idk . Maybe im just rambling tonight. I miss the old me and i want more than anything to just let it all go and have fun be the girl i once was... Will i ever figure it out? How to balance the two?

Back to basics

So i know i havent written in awhile... I kinda got lost. Ive been hiding away wasting my life away behind a tv... Pretty lame. Life is exhausting. Being happy is exhausting. Trying to figure out what will make me happy; even more exhausting. I have a better idea of what that might be but i have no clue how to accomplish it. It scares me that in order to pursue my dreams i have to step completely out of my comfort zone and even then my dreams might not be what makes me happy. Id like to think being my own boss and being an art therapist in my own way will make me happy but with that comes its own stress. And getting to that end result is a couple of years of hard work. Really hard work. So i got scared and instead of facing everything with a brave face and determination i was a coward n hid watching other people live the life and figure out their dreams n life in fantasy land. Where things end up working out just because the viewer wants them to. So anyways i think im done hiding. I dont think i will be going out tomorrow and conquer the world but after work im going to clean the entire house. Its spring cleaning before spring gets here. I really need to clean. its gross. So off i go to bed and get some sleep before a long day. I think ill feel better about myself even for accomplishing such a small feat. I just wish i had the willpower to make things start moving forward for my true dreams.