Changes ahead

Well last night my best fried started talking to me again and everything seems honky dory right now... Tomorrow im gonna go sign up at the gym and hopefully make some big changes n progress in my life... No more sitting on my butt doing nothing...

Failing at the balancing act

Being a grown up is a total buzz kill. All i want to do is be me. Be carefree. Be goofy and silly and love everything about life. In high school i was this fun person. I felt like i was a magnet that people were drawn to. They saw me as this carefree chick who just laughed her way through life. And i did. I was that person. But along the way being responsible has taken that away. Worrying about how to pay the bills or how to have a life without money ( which is virtually impossible) has taken away the ability to be free. I want to e me and just have fun being that person who everyone loves n have fun expressing who i am without much care. I feel like i cant have both. I cant balance the two. I cant be me and be responsible at the same time and yet i cant not be responsible. Its frustrating tho because i feel like there r some people who have figured it out, who can be themselves n be responsible and be happy. Idk . Maybe im just rambling tonight. I miss the old me and i want more than anything to just let it all go and have fun be the girl i once was... Will i ever figure it out? How to balance the two?

Back to basics

So i know i havent written in awhile... I kinda got lost. Ive been hiding away wasting my life away behind a tv... Pretty lame. Life is exhausting. Being happy is exhausting. Trying to figure out what will make me happy; even more exhausting. I have a better idea of what that might be but i have no clue how to accomplish it. It scares me that in order to pursue my dreams i have to step completely out of my comfort zone and even then my dreams might not be what makes me happy. Id like to think being my own boss and being an art therapist in my own way will make me happy but with that comes its own stress. And getting to that end result is a couple of years of hard work. Really hard work. So i got scared and instead of facing everything with a brave face and determination i was a coward n hid watching other people live the life and figure out their dreams n life in fantasy land. Where things end up working out just because the viewer wants them to. So anyways i think im done hiding. I dont think i will be going out tomorrow and conquer the world but after work im going to clean the entire house. Its spring cleaning before spring gets here. I really need to clean. its gross. So off i go to bed and get some sleep before a long day. I think ill feel better about myself even for accomplishing such a small feat. I just wish i had the willpower to make things start moving forward for my true dreams.

So I haven't posted in a few days. I've been seriously addicted to Pintrest.com . Plus i've taken some time off from soul searching. I've been thinking. Maybe everyone doesn't have it all figured out. Really, maybe no one has it figured out. You just keep stumbling through life finding your way, going down different paths. Some people stumble more graceful and find their way more easily. But maybe people just seem to have it together. I really feel that society these days has gone down the drain. And while some people seem to have it ok; majority of the people are sinking. I know what i need to do and I know what i want to do; at least in the next 5 years. But I just dont know how i will get there. I dont know if i'll ever get there. I guess all i can do is work hard at it and try my hardest to make my dreams of what i want my life to be come true. Cause really i'm the only one who can do it.  So here i go, still stumbling; praying that someday hopefully soon I'll make it out of NY and follow my dreams.

I am only 25. Courtney, you r only 25. You have years left to ur life. I have to keep telling myself this. I feel like at 25 with a degree i should know what i want. I should have it figured out. Maybe that society's problem.

However, i see my dad moving on in a completely new direction. He is twice my age and he recently started all over from scratch. He sold his family owned company. He got a divorce. He fell back in love with his first true love. He moved out of the coutry not just the state. He went back to school at age 50 and got a masters. Now hes workin on getting his own business started up.
If he can do it at 50 y cant i do it now? I have nothing to loose. Only sooo much to gain. There is something holding me back but seriously WHAT???

My dad is my hero. My guiding star..he gives me the strength n motivation to go out there and make my dreams happen. Now i just need a hug and big kick in that direction.

Too soon to tell

Well today i tried my very best to not let things get to me n be happy. Overall it was a pretty good day. I did happen to have a headache all day that no amount of advil could help. Ive had migraines n headaches all my life. I also have chronic back pain which doesnt help the cause. But i go to the chiropractor when i can afford it ( last year i spent over 1500 grand on copays for the chiro alone. ) WOW! Anyways lots of sleep helps when the advil doesnt.

So my more defined goals for the next month. Water water water! Get off my ass n move! Showers at night to relax n possibly help with the acne. Eat more vegies n fruits. Go to bed earlier. See a sleep specialist. Save money. Hmm. Maybe im over reaching but i got a lot to do in the next three years.

Some day ill be skinny. ( i would say happy in my own body but i am happy in my body. As any girl can be. But i do want to be half my size. ) someday i will wear fabulous clothes and high heels. Someday i will own my own business n love my job. Someday i will travel when i want to where i want. Someday i will be 100 % happy with my life. Now is the journey to that someday.

????

Well now I have some answers. But ... How to get my dreams accomplished. ????? It is all overwhelming. Schooling is expensive and it takes time. It's like i've wasted the last 7 years of my life and i'm starting from scratch all over again. It's very frustrating. I dont know where to start. I have a very specific image of what I want to do but i fear it will not happen that way. There are so many things I want to accomplish all within the next few years but I fear that I can't get all the things i want done all at the same time and that means in order to get my career in order I have to put the rest of my life on hold even though I feel like I already did that for 5 years. UGH! nor do i really have the economical means to accomplish it. I'm at a standstill.